As of this writing, we are roughly a year into the COVID-19 pandemic, and it shows no signs of slowing down. We have millions of cases in the union, and the virus seems to be killing everyone from young bikers to old ladies. As Joe Biden recently remarked, we are heading into a dark winter. The colder months force people to remain inside more, receive less sunlight, and spread nasal mucus to one another, all of which greatly increase virus transmission. Doctor Fauci believes that even if the Pfizer vaccine is totally effective, we must still continue to wear masks indefinitely. We must develop a much more comprehensive and strict solution – and enforce the new laws – if we hope to avoid true catastrophe. 

I must credit the great progressive utopia known as the People’s Republic of California for the impetus of this article. A few weeks ago, I learned that the California Dept. of Health recommended that restaurant patrons keep their masks covering their mouth and nose between bites. Of course, this recommendation is practical and is backed by science, just like the simple mask requirement. However, the government did not threaten citizens with punishment, so few people will obey this recommendation. 

California’s Dept. of Health and many progressives have had unique, bold ideas in recent months. But we must think bigger than that. We must implement a 100% mask mandate with zero exceptions ever – even for eating – and we must attain 100% compliance throughout the whole union. That means that we need to actually enforce it. 

NO MORE EATING allowed due to COVID

Indeed, the ‘new normal’ will be one that does not involve eating or drinking via our mouths. The kicker? We already have the medical technology to make this a reality. 

First, we must create the long-needed universal health care program throughout the whole union and prohibit private insurance, and eventually eliminate all private health institutions. I wrote an article explaining how well this plan would work. 

Once the government totally controls all healthcare at no cost to patients, we could begin to roll out the Totally Regulated Authoritarian Nutritional Transformation Program (TyRANT). 

The crux of the program would be the elimination of the need for people to eat in the same manner that our antiquated ancestors did. Using two primary medical technologies, we could replace eating as we know it. All persons in the united states (including undocumented immigrats) would be able to choose whether to receive their nutrition via PEG or TPN. 

A percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) tube allows a person to be fed while circumventing the mouth. Because the tube is placed directly into the stomach via a small hole in the abdominal wall, the natural digestive process involving acids and enzymes still functions normally, which helps to break down and utilize the nutrients from foods in a healthy way. Once healthcare is free, the government would provide a PEG tube placement and a lifetime supply of tube feeding for free for all people who select this method. 

The second option would be receiving the substances required for life via total parenteral nutrition (TPN), which involves placing a catheter into a patient’s vein and administering all of the nutrients they need via an IV solution. Since this would be for the long term, doctors would likely recommend that patients have a PICC or port placed in their chest so that nurses don’t need to start new IVs on them every day. Ports are what cancer patients (and some dialysis patients) use for daily or weekly IV treatments. 

Of course, in order to pass a bill (or executive order, court ruling, or administrative rule) creating this program without receiving backlash, we would have to sell it as a ‘temporary solution’ until the pandemic is over. We all know that such a program, like nearly all government endeavors, would almost certainly remain in effect in perpetuity. This could be accomplished in a number of ways, including by inserting an automatic sunset clause into the bill which states that the program will be dissolved once total COVID and COVID-like cases decreases below a rolling 7 day average of 0.001% of the population (a figure which would never be attained). 

Considering that eating by mouth is mostly done for pleasure, it will be a good thing that we are abandoning the practice as the unenlightened capitalist relic that it is. The time spent driving to restaurants, waiting, cooking, and eating could be put to much better use fighting for social justice and communism.

We could write an entire essay on the health benefits of totally eliminating all unnecessary consumption from our diets. No more cheeseburgers, pizza, sugary drinks, ice cream, pork, or anything else not 100% essential to life. We might see the incidence of heart attacks and strokes decrease by massive percentages.

Another added benefit to the TyRANT program would be the elimination of meat-eating, which is largely a Republican tradition and one of the largest contributors to global warming. So, by saving the world, we can also save the world! 

Make no mistake; this program will take a few months to roll out. But all we can do is begin taking the first step today. Once we have a 100% mandatory AND ENFORCED national mask mandate with 100% compliance and no excuses even for anti-science Trump conservatives, we can begin to truly heal America.