Early Wednesday morning, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference regarding the latest Coronavirus relief plan to assist struggling Americans. Adding to what top White House economic advisor, Larry Kudlow discussed about the $6 trillion plan Tuesday, Mike Pence, who has been tasked by the President with leading the Coronavirus task force elaborated on the unprecedented stimulus plan.

“As Mr. Kudlow told you yesterday, this will be the biggest stimulus package in US history, totaling around $6 trillion.” said Pence. “our team of the foremost economic experts have been considering every possible idea, both inside and outside the box. Unfortunately, although over 70% of financial transactions in the US occur electronically, both federal law and the practicality of the situation do require the government to print a dollar for every dollar injected into the banking system. We have decided that printing $6 trillion additional dollars, even in the highest denominations would be a tremendous, time consuming, and costly task, at best. At worst, it would be impossible due to the low availability of the necessary materials to physically mint the bills. It’s not just made from paper, you know…” he chuckled.

“Due to the cost, time, difficulty, and huge environmental impact that printing new money inevitably requires…” continued Pence, “The president has authorized the use of Monopoly money for all cash transactions below $200. For now, the policy is approved until April 20th, but the president has not ruled out the possibility of extending the ‘alternative currency plan’.

This new policy may seem inappropriate, but we have all thought long and hard about it and our amazing team has resolved every potential issue with the new policy. This temporary ‘qualitative easing’ measure is exactly what we need at a time like this. We are already working with Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly to ramp up printing of their dollar bills.

The board-game giant will hand over 100% of their stock of Monopoly dollars to the US Federal Reserve and begin printing another $30,000,000 each week, according to its CEO.

Hasbro executives have also mentioned that they make cars, wheelbarrows, and boots, all of which are also in high demand throughout the US as Americans struggle without paychecks and with huge setbacks within the trucking industry. The president and his team have been in talks with Hasbro about this, and we are very excited about our next joint relief package for the American people. We cannot guarantee a new car and a new pair of boots for every American, but we are very optimistic and Hasbro has assured us that we have their full resources at our disposal.”

Speaking with reporters before boarding Air Force One for his trip to South Korea to discuss moderate authoritarianism and the virus response with President Moon, Trump said that “Hasbro is really a terrific company. Probably the best board game company, maybe ever. We are working very hard to give the American people the relief they need”. President Trump is expected to sign the executive order officially allowing for the use of Monopoly money and requiring all stores to accept it as legal payment later in the week.

Categories: Humor/Satire